When Attachment Injuries Happen One Drop At A Time.

Over the weekend I heard a phrase that captures something I see regularly in the therapy room: “drip, drip, drip.” 

It made me think of couples who can’t point to one big, catastrophic event that broke their relationship. Instead, they describe a slow erosion. A gradual pulling away. A relationship that died not with a bang, but with a whisper repeated over time.

Drip, drip, drip.

Last month, a couple sat across from me, both looking exhausted. When I asked “what brings you in today”, they exchanged a glance that said everything. Finally, the wife spoke: “I don’t know. Nothing happened, really. But everything feels… wrong.”

Her husband nodded. “It’s like we woke up one day and realized we’d become strangers.”

No affair. No screaming match. No dramatic betrayal. Just a slow leak in their connection that neither of them noticed until the reservoir was nearly empty.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we talk a lot about attachment injuries—those moments when a partner isn’t there for us in a time of need, creating a rupture in our sense of safety and connection. Sometimes these injuries are obvious: a partner who didn’t show up at the hospital, or who dismissed their spouse’s pain during a family crisis.

But sometimes the injury isn’t a single event. It’s the accumulation of small moments. The times you reached out and got a distracted “mm-hmm” instead of eye contact. The evenings when vulnerability was met with silence instead of curiosity. The pattern of turning away instead of turning toward.

Drip, drip, drip.

Each drop seems insignificant in isolation. Who hasn’t been distracted by work? Who hasn’t been too tired for a deep conversation? But over months and years, those drops add up. They erode the bedrock of trust that secure attachment is built upon.

If you’d shown up to a therapist in 1985 and said, “I need my partner. I feel lost without them. I want to be close all the time,” there’s a good chance you’d have been diagnosed with something called “co-dependency.”

The prevailing wisdom of the ’70s and ’80s painted any strong attachment needed as pathological. Independence was king. Needing your partner was weak. The ideal relationship, according to the pop psychology of the era, was two completely autonomous individuals who occasionally chose to be together but could just as easily thrive apart.

Fast forward to today, and we know that framework was fundamentally wrong.

Thanks to decades of attachment research—starting with John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and brought into couple therapy by Sue Johnson through EFT—we now understand that needing your partner isn’t a sign of weakness or dysfunction. It’s beautifully, fundamentally human.

Secure attachment in adult relationships is associated with better physical health, lower rates of depression and anxiety, greater resilience in facing life’s challenges, and yes—higher relationship satisfaction. The couples who make it aren’t the ones who need each other least; they’re the ones who acknowledge their needs and know how to effectively reach for each other.

When we have secure attachment with our partner, we experience what researchers call a “safe haven” and a “secure base.” Our partner is someone we can turn to when we’re hurting (safe haven) and someone whose support gives us confidence to take on the world (secure base).

The research is clear: securely attached adults report greater life satisfaction, better emotional regulation, more successful careers, and even stronger immune systems. Children who grow up in homes with securely attached parents show better outcomes across virtually every measure of wellbeing.

But secure attachment doesn’t just happen. It requires consistent responsiveness over time. It needs to be fed regularly, like a plant that requires steady watering.

Which brings us back to the drip, drip, drip.

Because just as small moments of disconnection can slowly erode a relationship, small moments of attunement can build it. The quick text that says “thinking of you.” The hand that reaches across the couch. The five extra minutes before bed to really hear about your partner’s day.

These tiny acts of turning toward—they’re the opposite of erosion. They’re deposits in the emotional bank account. And when you make enough of them, consistently enough, they create something remarkable: a bond that can weather storms.

In the therapy room, when couples realize their problem isn’t one big thing but a thousand small things, there’s often a moment of both despair and hope.

Despair because: how do you fix something when you can’t even identify what broke?

Hope because: if the damage came from small moments, healing can too.

That’s where EFT comes in. We help couples identify their negative cycle—the drip, drip, drip of disconnection. We slow it down. We explore what’s happening underneath the surface. And crucially, we help them create new moments, new patterns, new drops that fill rather than drain.

The wife who felt like she’d married a stranger? In one session, she was able to say, “When you scroll your phone while I’m talking, I tell myself I’m not important enough to hold your attention.” Her husband’s face shifted immediately. “I had no idea,” he said quietly. “You’re the most important person in my world.”

That moment—of vulnerability met with responsiveness—was one drop in reversing the flow.

So here’s my question for you this week: What are you dripping into your relationship?

Are you dripping attention or distraction? Curiosity or dismissal? Presence or absence?

And if you’re sensing that slow erosion, that gradual pulling away—if you’re noticing the relationship reservoir is getting low—what would it take to reverse the flow?

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is to simply notice. To pay attention to the small moments. To recognize that the health of our most important relationship isn’t determined by grand gestures but by the quality of our daily interactions.

Drip, drip, drip.

What we pour into our relationships, drop by drop, eventually determines whether the well runs dry or overflows.

Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:

Things Are Pretty Tense Right Now. Have You Tried Screaming About It?

by Maura Judkis on October 27th, 2025

Scream clubs are the latest way to bellow into the void.

A 6-year Research Project Found A Surprisingly Simple Route To Happiness.

by Dana Milbank on October 27th, 2025

Results of a study out of Cornell suggest a happiness hack that can lead you toward a life of purpose.

I Relocated for My Wife, and Now I’m Miserable. What Should I Do?

by Lori Gottlieb on October 27th, 2025

The New York Times ‘Ask the Therapist’ columnist, Lori Gottlieb, advises a reader who moved to the South to satisfy his partner and now wants to find his way home.

‘Girl, Take Your Crazy Pills!’ Antidepressants Recast As A Hot Lifestyle Accessory.

by Betsy McKay on October 27th, 2025

Influencers tout the drugs, but many unsuspecting followers find the side effects take the fun out of life.

Does Joy Feel Out Of Reach? There’s A Word For That.

by Christina Caron on October 27th, 2025

Struggling to feel pleasure is a key marker of depression. But this distressing symptom can also occur on its own.

What to Do When A Person Won’t. Stop. Talking.

by Jancee Dunn on October 27th, 2025

Take back the conversation with these tips.

Our Next Ohio EFT Virtual Call Is This Friday, October 31st.

by Ohio EFT on October 27th, 2025

Join us at 9:00am this coming Friday, October 31st, for our continuing online discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. We’ll be continuing our journey through the 9 steps of EFT with Step 3 this month. Here’s a link for the call.

Is It Healthy to Grieve Before a Loss?

by Jancee Dunn on October 27th, 2025

Yes. Here’s how to cope.

‘I’m on Fire’: Testosterone Is Giving Women Back Their Sex Drive — And Then Some.

by Susan Dominus on October 27th, 2025

There is no F.D.A.-approved testosterone product for women. Insurance won’t cover it. Many doctors won’t prescribe it. It’s become a cultural phenomenon.

Got something you’d like to share for an upcoming newsletter?

Send it to chris@ohioeft.com.